still sad 10 years after divorce
This is a very profound article, it exactly mirrors how I feel about being divorced even 35 years down the line. But the pain lingers under the surface always. I decided that we had no passion or at least I had little to none for him and I wasn't willing to work very hard on it. I was 21 and immature and didn't know how to communicate in a healthy manner & I have an . I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts. With both of us attending 2 of our childrens graduations, the sadness creeped up on me and has been lingering. Acceptance is the final stage of loss. I never reached out to him for assistance. I wanted to keep my family together but could not. I have spoken to a lawyer and have all the supporting information. I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. a loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed and hobbies. Many times people start dating immediately while healing has not taken place making them suffer even more. I still do it 4.5 years later. Ive been divorced for 1 year and 3 months after a very messy separation and 17 year relationship. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. Ali Wong Admits She & Ex-Husband Had An 'Unconventional Divorce': We're I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. Sorry, but I needed to share. A lot of it hit home with me. As for looking to a new love, I have no desire. I have adult children and yes, they have their own lives. My Divorce is Almost Final. And the Feelings Aren't What I Expected. I was married for 42 years when suddenly, without warning, a knock at the door, and a sheriff with divorce papers. The article has been made in association with DivorceFiller the service for preparing divorce papers online. I will say this never again will I give any women a chance to hurt me . I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. And believe me, its been so hard and heartbreaking. Granted i have full custody of my two kids but whats broken can not be fixed with money or any tool in my tool box. I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. I do however, fear that my deep deep regret over leaving my husband and the associated guilt will eventually tear us apart. It truly has broken my heart. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard. Give yourself that time to focus on what will make YOU happy. a loss of appetite. 2. I still cry daily for my marriage but also as a single parent of an autistic son and tween girl life is tough. To do that, you must first understand your divorce hangover. And Jennifer L hit the nail on the head. I just dont know how I could have been so blind. Instead, there is the story of the three of us together, of something in me irrevocably fractured, and I can only hope, less so in my sons. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. But I wish we never got divorced. Mistake #1: Feeling Like a Failure Cheers to a better tomorrow! I googled this lingering pain. Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. Does anybody still have bad/sad days 2 years after divorce? Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful I was caring, nice, compassionate person, but people ignore me anyway. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. At the moment its him using we/our in his e-mails because I am having his sister to stay. Some of the common signs of depression are mentioned in an article by psy.com. A question, do you talk about the divorce and their mother when youre around them. I once experienced a lady who was struggling with the pain of overcoming separation alone and when I purposed to hold her hand, she started relaxing, and within a short time, life to her became a joyous one. People will go to a bar t drink overnight to forget the pains in them. Oh well. I had so many changes to adjust to. I am not happy but it still gives me joy to see my kids and grandkids and makes me smile. Effects of Divorce Last Indefinitely - Los Angeles Times it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . When people live together as a husband and wife, they love each other and treasure each moment that they spend. The hurt will never quite go away. I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. I am deeply saddened reading the pain others feel and the hurt by being on the receiving end of divorce. This article really resonates with me. When Divorce Still Hurts, Even Years Later As Cheryl Lawrence says above, I live with dead dreams. Help Is Here. It's easy to slip into dramatic self-pity mode when you're the one left behind, just as it was in my divorce. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. It's a process that's extremely tough from start to finish, and you can still feel emotional weeks, months, and even years after you and your former partner have split. You have summed up my sentiments towards my ex as if I had typed this out! Many men divorce and move on in just a few months, while others take years to go . Can you be completely happy after divorce? Take care of yourself, try to make new friends, & live one day at a time. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription." I wished I had not been so trusting and in love 21 years ago. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. You dont need to be friends with her but, you need to develop new friends and start enjoying your life. 2.5 years later & I'm still sad : r/Divorce - reddit.com It's OK to cry, it's OK to be sad and to talk about it and to ask for a hug. Ive tried everything to move on, apart from actively seeking another partner. They say it takes a year per year that you were married to heal. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. No, I have not found someone else, but I knew I needed to find myself first. Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years Females: 7.9 years. This is a very good article. Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. Its not easy to find realistic articles on the very-long-term type of pain resulting from a divorce, so this one was a breath of fresh air. The judgement by others(including family) has been searing. Later she said no, I guess not and went on to a great life without nice. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. Esters comment summed it up beautifully. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Accessibility Statement, 4 Myths About Cheating That Women Cling To. Perhaps it arises on those occasions that invariably spark old memories. In the past 5 years I have gained more confident. The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years. with some cranberry vodka and talking outloud praying) for my ex to come back to me not to BE with me but to apologize and clarify why he truly left. I dont know if I have ever felt such an awful feeling of loss besides the death of my parents. Ben's Answer:The relationships that break our heart the most are often based on an idealized image of the person that we lost. Im 10 years on 51 and theres a very deep profound sadnesshurt. I have learned to livewith thepain but have not found many people that understand. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I dont feel bitter just very sad x, Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. How To Deal With Depression After Divorce Life after divorce: what it really feels like to end a marriage I chose to go 100% zero contact, which has helped greatly with moving on. All we can do, those who still grieve, is to carry on, realise that we are not weird or silly for not getting over it, and that there are wonderful moments and times that we can enjoy. Being the left behind spouse I struggle a great deal. 0. Its so tremendously hard to share these with the people (ex-husb and woman from affair now married, plus their families) that stood by and made my life absolutely miserable for a few years. The chances of you still loving your ex-husband or wife even after a divorce are high; you lived with this person and might even have thought it would work out for the rest of your lives. But that is life I am told and at 49 years old, starting over dirt poor and broken is not ideal. Studies show that men feel empty, guilty, anxious, depressed, deep loss, and strong dependency needs of which they . Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on. what gets me thru life is God and my kids and grandkids . He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. My life is so wonderful, so why the sadness; Im mostly content, why the emptiness? Great article. I feel so sad for anyone in this position, and hope they get some relief in their situation. I have been thinking about just adopting and doing the single father thing. I still find myself falling into a funk in November and December, and then it takes all of January to get my feet back under me. And so I come to accept my reality: Sadness can coexist with happiness; some wounds may never heal though we learn to live with the pain; some pain may never subside completely. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. During and after your divorce, you may experience anger directed in a variety of ways depending on the situation that ultimately led to the . My ex gave up her life,family and friends in another country to marry me 30 years ago. Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression. My pain stems from a few things, pain left over from childhood (which I believe we all have to some degree) and pain from him leaving me without any real (as I saw it) truth for me to keep. Dont accept any blame..it was just an excuse & helped your ex rationalize his behavior. I was married 30 years and it has been 3 since we separated and 2 since we divorced. I also recognize my own responses as a function of marital expectations formed in the way I was raised, and my vision for what constitutes family. 1. How to Beat Divorce Depression (17 Tips) - Survive Divorce The family I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. and special occasions are the hardest. I cannot see me ever loving another man and would I find another at 62? But also: stronger relationships with their kids, finding peace, and settling into a new sense of normal that feels, well, okay. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. I never imagined the heart would be in such conflict with the mind. Not seen your child daily, especially when child is still very young, is excruciating. For me, the pain will never go away. Needless to say, they do not see him and rarely communicate with him. Apparently I get a F grade in moving on.. I see my family, our friends, most couples I know retiring together, doing life together, enjoying grandchildren together, but everything we do, well its not the same. We all grieve differently. Most Famous Female Pop Artists of the 70s, The History of the Basketball The Actual Ball, Guide to the Absolutely Strangest Things on Earth, Strange and Unusual Ceremonies and Traditions Around the World. "text": "You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. Most likely, it is because the couples still have the pain of past marriage. I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. 6 In addition to increased behavior problems, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce. But if a marriage is in shambles, then its better for it to be called off than to remain in pain and hurts for the rest of your life. And its hard to have to share my daughter and grandchildren with my exs affair-partner-now-wife. crying spells. I would have gone to any length to keep my family together. Ray J . I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him. Youre allowing your pain to keep you from enjoying your children and grandchildren. You deserve to come to peace with your divorce so that you can begin a new and richer life. After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! }. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I dont think I ever would have had he not ended things. Why Do I Still Feel Angry Years After My Husband's Affair? I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. And the recent weddings for two of our sons? Ultimately, I support her decision. Also missing were 3 life policies with cash surrender values and 2 annuities. Think Im going to leave her too. I encourage you, if you are not already doing so, to have those moments alone with Jesus, talk to Him, He is not only our healer but also Your friend that Loves you so dearly Not seen ones own child daily especially when very young is so excruciating. AlternativeDepressionTherapy.com 2005-2023. Your ex will find his happy life isnt all he thought it would be.mine surely didnt, but hes stuck with it now. I wish everyone going through this agony only the very best. "@type": "Question", You Will Grieve After Divorce, And It's Painful As Hell - Scary Mommy My kids are well. I feel I am now existing in some sort of dreadful limbo. Time does not heal all wounds. I am in a much better place than I was 10 year ago but lately I have been profoundly sad but I now understand that the grief never really leaves us, it sits on our shoulder as a reminder of what could have been. Still, it hurts and is sad sometimes, even 12 years on, but now I know thats okay and Im not alone! Dreams are broken but lives have to go on. He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. It hasnt been that long. Friends and families will help you overcome the pain of divorce 10 years later. We just needed to voice our shared experience. I feel like my life was a road that led to a sudden precipice that I could not see that I fell into it or perhaps I was pushed into it, by the man I loved more than any other and I am still falling. Do not bad mouth your partner to your children or your friends; this will only act as a catalyst to increase your anger. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. After he left (she demanded he move in almost straight away) he needed counselling and at one point was close to a breakdown. "name": "Can you be completely happy after divorce? Median duration of second marriages: Males: 7.3 years Females: 6.8 years. I agree with you so hard to find anyone that really understands the lingering pain while living in the present. Intense anger may be the main reason most former spouses have no interest in. Ali, 40, and Justin, 40, announced their uncoupling in April 2022, but ahead of her new Netflix/A24 comedy series Beef and her upcoming summer tour, Ali told The Hollywood Reporter that she and . Now, as I hear my son tell me how her second marriage is deteriorating memories that I buried through hard work refresh themselves as if they are new. Thank you for putting in words what so many people feel. Divorce Depression: Yes, It's a Thing | Psych Central During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. Its good to see Im not alone. 13+ years. Curing Your Divorce Hangover | Divorce Magazine One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. I just do not what I am frightened of. trouble sleeping or insomnia. Why isnt that enough? if I ever get another chance with her I will treat her as a queen . I did not handle the divorce well. And I have not been able to shake my own love for him, even though he hurt me so deeply. My heart is breaking. He sat in our porch the week before he left, sobbing. At the 10-year mark, 90% of the women and 70% of the men still felt that the divorce was the right decision. I am finding it impossible to truly heal from the breakdown of my marriage and family. Absolutely. On the midst of the storm, He has given me peace. I believe that all children need mothers and fathers in their lives. I couldnt say more because this is the solution to becoming a happy person after grieving for over 10 years. I wonder if my ex ever feels the way you do it would be a crumb of comfort but not anything remotely triumphant that he may be suffering. I wa interested in this website. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. My exhusband moved on quickly and even has a new baby. But it still hurts and may always. Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. Not Interested In Dating After Divorce? You're Not Alone! It's not a bad place to be. "The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells aside." - Sam Vaknin. "mainEntity": [{ Three weeks later we moved in-that was 13 years ago. I had spent so many years waiting for the affair again shoe to drop but realized, it was not a concern anymore, the cheater was out of my life. The relationship- no kids thank God was very sticky I was 21 when we met, he was 36. The deep pain of losing a relationship is based on the belief that your peace and your joy lies within the other person, and without them, you have no access to these feelings. I send you a virtual warm and embracing hug. I somewhat relate to you (except that my 2 adult kids do see reality and stand by my side, and at the same time love their dad, which is better for their own well being). I do hope this improves with time. How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . The Psychological Effects of Divorce on Kids - Verywell Family - Know Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. The betrayal is devastating. My head knows the Lawsuit has no value. Update - 2 years post D-day, just filed for divorce. Bit sad - Reddit So much collateral damage. The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. "@type": "Answer", You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. Ive been divorced many, many years, but it still hurts sometimes. Best artical I have read on divorce. But the pain never goes away . And then the pandemic hit. I Wanted the Divorce - Why Am I So Sad? | LoveToKnow "@type": "FAQPage", Only now I realise all that I feel, others feel too. Takeaway. I certainly dont want someone back in my life who is capable of causing such sorrow in others and not giving a damn, but it feels like part of the family is missing. You choose to leave now leave me alone. Im lucky my daughter still talks to me. One very common one is feeling like your husband just isn't remorseful or sorry enough for the affair. That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. I was too immature to realize that the man he was and our relationship was the hottest thing ever. He blamed me and said he had been unhappy for years. My children are grown and many milestones are coming up. Better if you acknowledge the pain and express it openly instead of trying to deny it as if it doesnt exist at all." In the dream, I'm still married to my ex-husband; we are fighting and he's getting ready to move out. If you were meant to be with him you would be. Symptoms of divorce-related depression can include any, or a combination of, the following: Sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed Loss of appetite Increase in appetite Weight loss or gain Difficulty sleeping Excessive irritability Rage Sudden insomnia Increased fatigue Difficulty focusing or concentrating Difficulty making decisions But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. Divorce can be worse than dying. I have moved on and with a new partner. I hope they see that what is good in life can outweigh the hurt of our deepest disappointments. AOL email is no longer cool, and it's time to move on: Patinkin Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! I also have no contact. He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable something that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. The more you feed your mind with positive thoughts, the more you can overcome. Thank goodness our children are grown and have started families of their own, so no coparenting or custody to deal with. The Pain of Divorce 10 Years Later - Mental Itch You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. I am not sure of what to do. Im happily remarried, yet Im still sad 17 years later. Ali November 14, 2015 At 1:56 pm. You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. I didnt think it would affect me but, it has. If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. Dont let years and years pass by and cling to the pain, hurt, and resentment. This mistrust of oneself identified by Ms. Wolf is the most nagging problem I am facing. After a divorce, you're going to cycle through a spectrum of emotions and more than just sadness or jubilation. Coparenting is tough. Its very difficult to see a future for myself. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. I trust in God to get me through until the end. Love is not something outside us , but is our very essence. This is no doubt an essential tool directly after infidelity has occurred, but it may be even important in dealing with infidelity years later. I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. 20 Effects of Divorce That People Don't Talk About Best Life
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